


Athena Cursed Arachne (To Write Fanfic)

by AughtPunk



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: AND MUCH MUCH MORE!, Desert Bluffs, Dryad AU, F/F, F/M, Film Noir AU, Fluff, Gen, Loaves, M/M, Misleading Threeways, Moss Fiction, Multi, Other, Polyamory, Reverse Cyber Vale, Sci Vale, Star Trek AU, cyber vale, minecraft au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 08:00:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 13,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2302385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AughtPunk/pseuds/AughtPunk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of drabbles, flash fics, and the like that I've posted on tumblr (or not at all!). All of this is unbeta'd, unedited, and very silly. Except the ones that aren't silly. Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Game Night at the Palmers/Carlsberg Household

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Look, I don't know what they expected. That game was designed to ruin friendships and destroy families.

"What happened doesn’t change anything."

Cecil narrowed his eyes at the television screen. Despite using his deepest radio-host voice possible the poorly rendered evil turtle on the screen did not reply. He gripped the controller in his hand tighter as pure darkness dripped from his lips.

"You may have taken my star, Bowser. But there’s still five turns left in this game. I may still become the one true winner of Mario Party! Mark my words, turtle. Mark my words."

Carlos glanced sideways at his boyfriend. “I think Bowser’s supposed to be a dragon?”

"Mark my words, dragon. Mark my words."

"He was originally supposed to be an Ox!" Said Steve from the direction of the recliner.

"Ever wonder if the world would be better off without you, _Steve?”_

Janice, on the other side of the couch, sighed deeply for the hundredth time that night. “This is why Uncle Cecil isn’t allowed to join us on Game Night, Uncle Carlos.”


	2. Cecil is SO READY FOR SHARK WEEK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First in my on-going Non-Angst Flash Fiction Challenge! Because why have angst when you can have fluff?

Carlos had always, in an odd way, admired Cecil’s fashion sense. Long ago he had given up all attempts at dressing up and resigned to a life of flannel and blue jeans. But Cecil had an outfit for every occasion even if logically the pieces shouldn’t work together. On their last date he somehow combined a pineapple fanny-pack with a distressed denim vest and by God it  _worked._ But even Carlos had to admit that the full footy-pajama look was new. Although he was impressed that Cecil had managed to find adult-sized shark pajamas, shark slippers, and a knitted hat that was made to look as if a shark was eating his head.

"You don’t have to stay." Cecil said as he uneasily played with the plush shark in his hands. Mr. Bitey, if Carlos recalled correctly. "I know you’re not into the whole ‘watching bad movies’ thing."

"Cecil, I said it was okay." Carlos gave Mr. Bitey a bop on his threadbare nose. "If you can put up with my science documentaries then I can watch a few shark-related bad movies. Even if the concept of sharks surviving for any length of time in a tornado is nothing short of ridiculous."

"Really? Great! You’re the best, Carlos! I’m going to go make up some popcorn before Mecha Shark vs Crocosaurus starts!" Cecil gave Carlos a kiss on the cheek before heading off into the kitchen; the shark fin on the back of his pajamas bouncing the whole way.


	3. Better Than Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone challenged me to write a Hooker AU featuring Cecearlos. This is what happened instead.

Carlos stood on the front porch of the dusty old house with one had hovering over the doorbell. This, this was wrong. This was a terrible idea. This was _illegal._ His scientific brain carefully documented each and every reason about why he shouldn’t do this. And like the good scientist he was Carlos noted every single one of those reasons before deciding to ignore them. He may be a scientist, but he was also human. That weird radio host may think he was perfect but he wasn’t. The fact that he was here proved it. Carlos rung the doorbell only to have the door open a split second later.

_”Carlos!”_

Carlos felt his heart sink. No. Not him. Not now. Not like this. Before him stood the last person he wanted to see. Cecil ‘Tell Everyone I Chew Lavender Scented Gum As If I Had A Choice It’s Not Like The Stores Sell Normal Flavors Here’ Palmer. The radio host stood in the doorway, his eyes glowing in the dark of the night. If it were another set of circumstances Carlos would have loved to study those eyes. But considering the combination of smells wafting in behind Cecil he knew now was not the time.

"Mr. Palmer!" He croaked out. "Wh, what are you doing here?" Carlos looked around the porch, but he couldn’t see any of the normal badly-hidden SSP cameras or microphones. "I, I thought-"

"I hope you don’t mind, but Earl invited me to join in." Cecil purred. He honest-to-God purred. Carlos could not handle that. "Come on in, Mr. Scientist."

They entered the hallway together, Carlos nearly stumbling over what he assumed to be Earl’s collection of boots. “Mr. Palmer.” He said as he closed the door. “Cecil. Look. I, I can explain. You know that even though I’m an outsider I’ve done everything I can to be an upstanding citizen. I’ve done my rituals, I’ve paid my blood tax, and, and-“

"Shh." Cecil cut him off with a single finger pressed against Carlos’ lips. "Don’t worry. Not a word of this will get out, and Earl has most of the police under his thumb. They can’t help their cravings either, after all. So how about you relax and follow me?"

The warmth of Cecil’s finger was still on Carlos’ lips as he followed the radio host. Somehow the way Cecil had said the word ‘cravings’ had shut Carlos’ brain down completely. He’d follow that man wherever he lead him. Like a loyal pup Carlos blindly followed Cecil as the radio host stepped into a room flooded with warm light. His eyes adjusted just in time to see the Scout Master standing next to the dining room table.

"Carlos!" Earl said with a large grin. "You’re just in time!"

Carlos didn’t hear him.

The vision of loveliness before him had made the whole world fade away.

Pasta.

Pasta! Fresh, made from scratch pasta! Garlic bread! Dinner rolls! Croissants! There was even a stack of grilled cheese sandwiches! Carlos sat down at the dining room table, no longer able to stand at the sight of wheat and wheat-by products.

"I hope you don’t mind that I invited Cecil." Earl said as he laded a heaping pile of spaghetti carbonara onto Carlos’ plate. "But the money you gave me for wheat-smuggling was enough to feed an army! Or in this case, two adult men and Cecil."

"Save room for dessert." Cecil sat down across from Carlos. "Earl made like, five types of cake. And don’t get me started on his cookies!"

Carlos didn’t know what to say. With a smile on his face he took a bite of the first real pasta he’s had since the wheat ban. It cost him an entire paycheck, and it was totally worth it.


	4. Cecil is a Bad Cook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone on tumblr pointed out that you should NEVER splash water on a grease fire. So don't do what these dorks do! Instead either smother it with a lid or baking soda! *the more you know*

"Oh fuck OH FUCK!"

A wave of water hit the stove along with also splashing on most of Cecil. Which was good considering that most of the fire was on him as well. He stood there, his favorite fuzzy jacket ruined, staring down at the mess which was dinner. He looked over at his oldest friend Earl, who was holding a now empty bucket and looking rather annoyed.

"Cecil." Earl said, using his ‘you did something wrong’ scoutmaster voice. "Why did you set the stir-fry on fire?"

"I didn’t mean to!" Cecil rung out the hem of his jacket. "But isn’t that a thing that chefs do? You tilt the pan a little and whoosh! And it looks really professional and, and…" His voice trailed off under Earl’s gaze. "I wanted to make something impressive. You know, for when Carlos comes back. He loves stir fry."

"And I’m going to guess he normally cooks it?" Earl lowered the bucket and sighed. "Look. Cecil. Maybe we should start with something simple. Really simple. I’ll hit my cookbooks and you go order some Rico’s. I’m sure we’ll find something you can whip up to impress that scientist of your’s."

"Fine. But you better tell me all about you and LeShawn while we’re looking."

"Only if you promise not to gossip about it on the air tomorrow."

Cecil reached into his fanny-pack and slipped his microphone out as soon as Earl’s back was turned. “Scout’s honor.”


	5. "The Gods Will Have Blood" is a Good Novel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I...I ship this now...?

Uncle Cecil had taught Janice that there were times where it was okay to curse. Got the wrong topping on your pizza? Not a good time to curse. Being chased by a group of hooded figures because you got too close to the Dog Park? Good time to curse. Her Uncle Cecil wasn’t around at the moment to judge if ‘riding a out of control rocket-powered wheelchair’ was a good time to curse, but Janice decided she was probably allowed one good scream.

"OH FUCK OH FUUUUUUUUUU-"

Even though Janice had also chosen to scream at the top of her lungs her words couldn’t be heard over the laughter of her fellow passenger. Sitting on Jancie’s lap was Night Vale’s own heroic Tamika Flynn, laughing and grinning as they plowed through a rather shocked looking group of police officers. The older girl had one hand in the air brandishing her patented book club (Anatole France’s “The Gods Will Have Blood” nailed to a baseball bat) and her other arm wrapped around Janice’s waist. That, for a reason Janice couldn’t explain, made her more nervous than the whole rocket-chair thing.

No wait, they were clearly heading towards a brick wall.

The rocket-chair was now FAR worse.

"TAMIKA!" Janice screamed as she clung to the other girl for dear life.

"I GOT IT!" Tamika let out another roar as she slammed her book club against the side of the wheelchair. The motion was enough for the out-of-control chair to veer away from the wall and straight towards Mission Grove Park instead. Janice got a fraction of another well deserved curse word out before Tamika wrapped both arms around Janice. There was that weird nervous feeling again.

"HOLD ON!" With another triumphant scream Tamika jumped off the side of the wheelchair with Janice in her arms. The moment of flight thankfully ended with both girls falling into a large pile of leaves. Janice sat up just in time to witness her wheelchair slam into the largest pile of leaves in the park. The pile of leaves made a noise that suspiciously sounded like a slightly muffled City Counsel, but the chair did finally stop. Tamika sat up next to her, still laughing.

"Janice! That, that was amazing! And you said Mr. Perfect Scientist made that?"

"Uh-huh." Janice gulped. "I don’t think he told my Dad about it. Or Uncle Cecil."

"Even better. We can get it outfitted on every skateboard and bicycle in the town before Cecil can say anything about it." Tamika stood up, brushing the few dead leaves off of her clothes. There was something about the older girl that Janice…liked. Not like-like! Maybe. All Janice knew was that this was the first time the Middle Schooler had ever talked to her for an extended amount of time. And if there was one thing she had learned from her Uncle Cecil it was this: People are far more likely to go out with you after a near death experience.

"Doyouwannageticecream?"

Tamika turned her dark, wise eyes down at Janice. She smiled.

"Sure!"


	6. Loaf of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for Carloaf on tumblr! You should follow Carloaf! Carloaf is the cutest loaf ever! This fanfic is proof of it!

"Carloaf! Hurry up!"

Carloaf stood up on the kitchen counter, his small nubby legs barely keeping himself upright. He was leaning against the microwave (the one used for cooking, not inter-dimensional travel) counting the seconds between the popcorn pops.

"Its almost done!" Carloaf shouted back at his loafmate. The kitchen and living room were attached, yet to a loaf they might as well have been across the house. He turned his attention back to the popping bag. Let’s see, what did his Papa say? Take it out when it’s three seconds between pops? One, two, three, four. One, two…three! Carloaf gasped as he quickly pressed the open-door button on the microwave to stop their snack from burning. Unfortunately for the young loaf he must have hit the button too hard. The door slammed open, sending Carloaf flying off the counter.

"AHHH!"

Carloaf closed his eyes, hoping not to smoosh too hard when he hit the ground, only to feel himself land on two soft hands. He opened his eyes only to stare up at a smooth, featureless face framed with straggly white hair.

"Thank you Faceless Old Woman!"

"It was nothing." The Faceless Old Woman said as she carried him into the living room. "It was literally nothing. I was simply holding my hands out as I do every day around this time. If you had not fallen I would still be there, attempting to hold on to a single moment of time. But no matter how still I am the moment shatters, unable to stand against the ever moving future. One day I shall capture a moment, and in its fragile beauty I shall see the present as it truly is. May I have some of your popcorn?"

"Sure!" Carloaf jumped from her hands and onto the couch. His loafmate Ceciloaf was already there, snuggled under their favorite blanket. The other loaf gave Carloaf a wave to come closer.

"It already started!" Ceciloaf said. "Come on!"

"I shall go prepare the popcorn." The Faceless Old Woman said as she seemingly vanished. "As it should be prepared. With a hint of nutmeg and the memory of when a movie was enough to chase away the pathetic worries of childhood."

"We’re not watching a movie! We’re watching soap operas!" Ceciloaf said as he lifted up the blanket to allow Carloaf to join him. The two loafs snuggled close to each other and shared a quick loaf-smooch.

"What did I miss?" Carloaf whispered.

"Scotty proposed to Caroline, but she refused ‘cause she found out about his evil not-City-Council-Approved Cult!"

"Ever wonder if the world would be better off without you?" Said the woman on the TV, obviously glancing off screen at cue cards."Also, we’re already married, Scotty. For like, ten years. We had a kid and everything."

"Oh my gosh!" Ceciloaf said as he squeezed Carloaf’s nub. "How dramatic!"

"Aww, it’s sad." Carloaf frowned.

"No wait, they’re kissing now!"

"Yay it’s happy again!"

Ceciloaf giggled. “Humans are weird.”

Carloaf wrapped a nubby arm around Ceciloaf. “They sure are.”

 


	7. Moss Fiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the Carloaf/Ceciloaf/Kevinloaf Loaf AU there is loaf erotica known as "moss fiction". I like to think that this is how all of it is written.

"Geneloaf! We can’t do this!" Chrisloaf wiggled away from the larger loaf’s smooches. He wanted nothing more to be smooched by the salt-encrusted pretzel loaf. But he was a good loaf who had been raised well by a kind baker. He knew what was right and wrong, and smooching this loaf was wrong!

"Why not?" Geneloaf asked, wiggling closer to the fresh baked corn muffin.

"Because I know that Lioloaf is your loaf mate!" Chrisloaf turned away knowing that tears were already flowing down his cornmeal covered cheeks. "Even though I want to smooch and snuggle with you SO HARD our love cannot be!"

Geneloaf let out a dramatic gasp of shock! “Chrisloaf! Didn’t you hear?”

Chrisloaf’s gasp was even louder and far more dramatic! “What???”

Instead of replying Geneloaf wiggled over to the microwave and pushed the open button. The door popped open to reveal the sugar coated Lioloaf inside.

"Lioloaf!!!" Chrisloaf shouted.

"Chrisloaf! Geneloaf! The microwave is big enough for all three of us! Let’s all be loaf mates together! Smooches for everyone!!!"

And so Chrisloaf, Geneloaf, and Lioloaf all snuggled in the microwave together and smooched all night.

THE END


	8. No One Likes Eileen But Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know, the DB!Earl that videntefernandez made? I think she's nifty keen. I just wish the fandom liked her more...

"I’m proud to be the first Girl Scout troop to achieve this rank. I might have been terrified to be the first Girl Scout troop to achieve this rank. But I’m not, thanks to Strexcorp Brand’s wonderful Anti-Fear Pills! They’re wonderful!"

Eileen reached out and lightly touched Kevin’s mic, pushing it down. She had known Kevin for almost her entire life. Sometimes she would joke that she was the one who first taught him how to wash blood out of clothes. So she could tell when something was wrong with her old friend. Even if his pitch black eyes were hard to read sometimes.

"Kevin? You okay?"

Kevin gulped. His normal toothy grin was nowhere to be seen. He kept looking from her to the large burlap tent that they had set up behind the Weiss. “It’s really happening, isn’t it?” He said, his voice devoid of cheer. “Like the tablets at Town Hall said.”

"Please. As if this ceremony would stop any of my girls." Eileen smiled and punched her old friend in the arm. "What do you say? Drinks after this? That is if your current boy-toy keeps his hands off you long enough too-"

Eileen was cut off by Kevin grabbing onto her arm. His sharpened nails dug ever so slightly into her flesh. She opened her mouth, but stopped when she looked into Kevin’s dark eyes. Tears. He was crying. She’d never seen him cry before.

"We could have had something, Eileen. Always remember that."

Kevin may had said more, but he was cut off by the first few bars of the hamster dance. In a blink of an eye the tears vanished and his smiled returned. He fished the cell phone out of his pocket and answered, cheery as always.

"Honeymuffin! I was just wrapping up here! Don’t worry, Eileen plugged Strexcorp! I told you she wouldn’t let us down!" Kevin gave Eileen a slight wave over her shoulder and walked off happily chatting to his boyfriend the entire time. Eileen stood there, not even aware of the blood dripping down her arm.

Something deep within her burned.

Later on she would call upon that fire to fight the mute children back to whatever world they came from


	9. Ice Cream Social

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's freedomconvicted's cutest security guard SAMMY! I may have written this as an excuse to promote the 'Daniel only speaks in beeps and boops' headcanon. Maybe.

"Another scoop, sugar?"

 Samuel looked up from his empty ice cream bowl. The White Sands wasn't like the frozen yogurt stores back home in Desert Bluffs. Here there were countless numbers of ice cream flavors, unlike the one back home (vanilla, the most efficient flavor). During his stint in Night Vale he had tried every flavor the shop had to offer, including the ones that can't be pronounced by human tongue. An upshot of being a biomachine!

 "Yes please." Sam said as he handed the bowl over. "Could I have a scoop of Extensial Dread Fudge Ripple?"

 The woman smiled at him and wandered back behind the counter. Her smile was...off. It wasn't a happy smile. Nor was it the normal smile of a retail worker. Sam would have to make sure she was getting the correct dosage through her Strexcollar. But when she returned with two scoops AND rainbow sprinkles he decided that he could look into the collar-thing later. After all, he was really here to meet someone. And eat ice cream. Mostly to meet someone. Well, fifty-fifty.

 The front door rang around Sam's third heaping spoonful. In stepped a man with perfect slicked back hair, perfectly pressed suit, and a smile that took biomachine developers at Strexcorp years to perfect. Sam waved to his brother Daniel, despite the fact that he was literally the only other customer in the shop. Daniel gave a little nod back, shifting the briefcase he was holding from one hand to the other.

 "Danny! I'm so glad you could make it!" Sam grinned as he pushed his icecream towards the middle of the table. "You want some? The dread is really fresh this time of year."

 Danny shook his head as he took a seat. He looked over at his younger brother and cut right to the chase.

 "Beep boop?"

 "Oh." Sam's shoulders slumped a little. "Yeah. This isn't just a social call. That's not scheduled for another three weeks. I um, wanted to ask you something. Something personal."

 "Beep?" Danny tilted his head.

 "Look. It's. Well." Sam knew he was blushing. He always blushed when he tried to say something important. According to the scientists back home his blushes made him 25% more adorable, but it was still a pain. "It's about Smiles."

 "Beep."

 "Yes I know I'm supposed to call him The Smiling God but he said I could call him Smiles and that I should also 'call him anytime' and then he did that click-click fingergun noise while making fingerguns which is to say he shaped his hands like guns but not really Danny I think Smiles asked me out on a date!"

 "Beep boop"

 "Oh. So he did ask me out on a date." Sam sunk back into his seat. "Oh. Oh dear. Danny, what am I going to do?"

 "Beep!"

 "I can't ask him out!" Sam knew his blush was only getting worse (50% adorable). "I mean I should since he told me to and if I don't he might cause my very being to unwind and turn into the same light that fuels him. But I'm not good at this sort of thing Danny! I always mess it up! So I, I thought you could give me some advice. You're way better at relationships."

 "Boop."

 "You're dating Lauren! And Kevin! And that spy dude he always hanging out with!"

 "Beep!" Danny hissed the noise out and looked around. The only other person was the woman behind the counter, who was staring up at a leaking ceiling tile. That was enough for Danny to lean back in his chair. "Beep boop."

 "But like, what would we do on a date? He's an all powerful being that knows all and sees all that the light touches! I mean, what do you and Lauren do on dates?"

 "Beep-beep."

 "O-Oh." Sam looked down at his ice cream. He was almost certain it was melting under the heat of his blush. Which had reached 75% adorableness. "W-What about you and Kevin?"

 "Boop-boop."

 "And the spy-"

 " _Boop."_

 "Ah. I see." Sam took a deep breath. "You're right, I'm over-thinking this. I, I need to get a bottle of whipped cream flavored vodka and, and work this out somehow! Even though I don't think either of us has the ability to get drunk. I'm still over-thinking this." He reached over and gave Danny a pat on the back. "Thanks bro! Wish me luck!"

 Danny returned the pat before Sam rushed out into the blinding late-evening light. He watched his little brother run off with a perfectly designed smile on his lips. Sammy really was a sweetheart. Speaking of which, Sam had left his ice cream behind. With a shrug Danny scooped out a chunk with a large piece of fudge and took a bite. When he woke up from his despair-induced fugue hours later he made a note to make sure Sammy's sweetness tastebuds were properly calibrated.


	10. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write more of Santos in a non-Cyber Vale environment. Such a slimeball. Why couldn't he be as cute as the Strex Family?

"We believe in a Smiling God."

Santos gripped the sides of the podium. He did not want to be giving this speech. Nor did he wish to give it in what was once Desert Bluff's largest park. Not that it could be called a park anymore. What little life struggled for survival there had been wiped out. What once was alive was dust, and even the rocks and sand had turned to glass under the heat of the brightest light. But he was alive. Strexcorp was alive. And he was going to keep it that way.

 "And it is through that belief that we still live. Those who doubted us, those who did not smile, their blood now lines the streets and stains the perfect teeth of our God. He has feasted upon the unbelievers and left us this town as a gift. We shall rebuild this little desert community. We shall plant seeds and watch them bloom in honor of his love. We shall make this town perfect. We are perfect."

 In front of the makeshift stage stood rows upon rows of his employees. Each wearing the same black suit with gold tie that he wore. Each with a razor thin smile and empty eyes. Men, women, and everything else all equal under his gaze. No. Wait. The third row to the left was missing someone. And out of the corner of his eye he could see that missing cog awkwardly standing at the edge of the stage. His eyes flickered down to the doomed employee.

 Oh. Lauren. Of course it would be her. Santos made a mental note of a future punishment.

 "Before we rebuild our hive, we will need drones. Everyone has been issued a part of the city to explore. You are to look for any survivors that were strong enough to live through the event. If you find anyone still alive send them at once to the Happy Funtime Sleepover Camp Area for processing. But make sure that they are truly ready and willing to believe. We don't need any fuddy-duddies working for Strexcorp."

 Lauren had gone from nervously twiddling her fingers to rocking back and forth on her feet. With an overly dramatic sigh Santos waved her close. She hesitated just a moment before climbing the stage.

 "What is it, Lauren?" Santos hissed under his breath.

 "Santos! Sir!" Lauren smiled. Smiling God above he hated that smile. She just did it so...wrong. Too much in the eyes, not enough in the teeth. "I um, I went ahead and scouted my area. Area Alpha-A."

 Santos grunted. She might have been a terrible smiler, but she was a hard worker. "The radio station. Considering it was the center of the Event I assume there's nothing left.  Probably not even rubble. And I'm continuing to assume that you're here for more work to do. Harder work. Possibly dragging the corpses to the pyre type of work."

 "N-no sir! I mean, yes I would be more than happy to help drag burnt, rotting corpses with my bare hands! It's just, the radio station..."

 "Yes, Lauren?"

 Lauren fished an cheap happy-sun shaped hand-radio out of her pocket. She held up the device and a pair of headphones to Santos. "Maybe you should hear it for yourself, sir."

 Santos plucked the colorful earbuds out of Lauren's hands and popped them into his ears. For a moment there was only static.

 And then he heard the Voice.

  _Good morning, Desert Bluffs! Wow! We had one heck of a storm last night! I hope everyone's safe in their shelters!_

 Santos took a deep breath. "Kevin."

 "Yes sir."

 "He was the first sacrifice. The willing sacrifice."

 "Yes, sir."

 Santos tapped his foot. His employees had spread out already, leaving him alone with Lauren. Which, he knew, wouldn't tell anyone about what he said next.

 "Well. That can't be good."


	11. An Out of this World Hangover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for Oxytrezart's Alien AU, though I ended up making it more of a Star Trek AU. The important thing is Cecil is a hot purple alien with a prehensile tail.

A Starfleet captain is self reliant. That is the first thing a Starfleet captain should be. Ever since his days in the academy Carlos had always kept that ideal close to his heart. Sure, he might not be in charge of the largest ship. Or sanest crew. Hell, most days he was lucky to be given a mission beyond the galactic equivalent of going down to the store to pick up a half-gallon of milk. But no matter what he always knew he could always depend on himself when things got rough.

 Until he woke up hungover on planet Vale.

 The first thing Carlos was aware of was the pain. He was aware in the sense that a fish is aware of water. The dull ache filled his body from top to bottom and didn't let anything like blood or bones get in the way. By some small act of mercy he had at least woken up someplace dark, warm, and covered in silk sheets. There was a faint scent of perfume in the air, and the silent promise that Carlos could go back to sleep and no one would wake him up. There was just one problem.

 This wasn't his bedroom. And he sure as hell wasn't on his ship. His ship made noises like an air conditioner trying to romance a 1950's refrigerator. Here there was only blissful silence and a warm breeze brushing against his skin. Okay. He was naked on a strange planet with no memory of last night. And here he thought all of those stories whispered about during his academy days were just stories. Carlos rolled onto his back and took a deep breath. He could do this. He had to remember.

 He was on plant Vale. Their story was the same one he had dealt with a dozen times before: Nice undeveloped planet rich in raw goods, big company shows up to take over, native intelligent life asks for help blah blah blah. He'd already helped three other planets with that same problem that week. His ship shows up, threatens the big bag corporation (It was Strexcorp. It's ALWAYS Strexcorp.), and then the happy native population throws them a big party. At the party he would pretend to drink whatever they were offering and slip out during the night.

 But this time was different.

 Carlos risked opening his eyes. He couldn't make out much of the room in the dim light. Large room. Very large room. Good Lord, his pants could be anywhere! He went to prop himself up on his elbows only to fall back down onto the pillow. He shouldn't have drank the wine. At least, it tasted like wine. Whatever it was he should have passed on it. But he didn't. He couldn't. Because the Valian who offered was the Prince of the tribe, and Carlos didn't want to be rude.

 The fact that the alien's eyes made his heart stop had nothing to do with it. Or how the alien's skin was the most beautiful shade of lavender he had ever seen. Or how when the alien spoke his voice was deep and musical and Carlos never wanted to go another day without hearing it. The alien was beautiful. Perfect. And for the life of him Carlos couldn't pronounce his name.

 Carlos flinched at the memory. Even with the pain in his body somehow him completely messing up the Prince's name hurt even more. He couldn't do it! The name had far more S's and C's than the human tongue could handle. Thankfully the Prince found his slip-up charming, and spent the night trying to coach Carlos' pronunciation while refilling his goblet. Carlos wasn't sure how, but at some point the Prince moved from the chair next to him to directly sitting on Carlos' lap.

 Cecil. They agreed on the name Cecil. It wasn't exact, but it was as close as Carlos could get. Cecil laughed and laughed, calling the name perfect. He called Carlos perfect. No one had ever called him that before.

 So Carlos kissed him.

 Carlos felt something stir on the bed next to him. From under the blankets a lavender arm snuck around his waist. It was shortly joined by something long and flexible that wrapped around his leg. He was pretty sure it was tail. He hoped it was a tail. Carlos tried to remain still as he felt Cecil snuggle up against his side and rest his head on Carlos' chest. The happy sigh the sleeping Prince made was near indescribable. He moved his arm around Cecil, letting his hand rest on the Prince's back.

Ah. And now he remembered the rest of last night.

 The kisses didn't remain shy or sweet for long. Most of the evening was a blur after that, but there were a few scattered bits bubbling out of his memories. He remembered the prince's laughed as they stumbled back to his private room. There was more kissing. Clothes being torn off and ripped aside. But most of all he remembered the Prince's voice echoing with praise and love. Well. Not love. Carlos was sure the translator just got that word wrong. He was sure of it. Positive. Not love.

 "Muh?" Cecil lifted up his head. Even in the near dark room his silver eyes glowed. "Swake?"

 "Nope. I'm still asleep." Carlos bit his lip the second he talked. Smooth.

 "Oh. Good." With that the prince yawned and dropped his head back down onto Carlos' chest. Carlos could feel Cecil's body go slack as he quickly fell back to sleep. If Carlos was going to escape now was the time!

 Except...he wasn't sure where his pants were. And Cecil was nice to hold.

 Carlos closed his eyes. He could resume his duties of a Starfleet captain in the morning.


	12. Welcome to Sci-Vale!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on Pinkelicebeta's Sci-Vale AU! Good Lord, I have SO MANY plans for this story! Like, 'Welcome to Cyber Vale' sized plans. But I have a whole lot of non-fanfic stuff to write first. So enjoy a small taste!

"Who _is_ he?"

 Dana's fingers froze above her keyboard. She knew that tone far too well. Her boss was in one of his _moods._ All hopes of having a nice, easy day vanished with a single growl of her boss' voice. Dana leaned back in her office chair to address him. Better to ask directly than to have him mope about all day.

 "Who are you talking about?"

 Her boss was not at his normal spot between the massive computer screens on the far wall. Instead he was standing in front of the large glass window that looked down at the dark planet below. Great. He just wasn't in a _mood._ He was in a full blown 'staring at the dark planet of endless jagged mountains and squid ink oceans' mood. She glanced down at her computer long enough to bring up her collection of cat videos. From experience she knew it was the only thing that lure Cecil out of the dark corners of his mind.

 "The new scientist, Dana! Who is he? What does he want from us?"

 Dana rolled her eyes. "Proper nouns, Cecil."

 "Him!"

  Cecil didn't as much wave his arm as he dramatically flourished it towards the screens in the back. The normal pre-written news across them vanished onto to be replaced with dozens of images pulled from the security cameras. Every repeated video was of the same man over and over again. The man stepping out of an elevator. The man stepping into a closet and stepping out wearing a lab coat. The man staring at a vending machine far too long before walking away. Dana finally got out of her chair just so she could properly frown at her boss.

 "You know," She said as she stood between the screens. "Just because you can access security footage doesn't mean you should. Danny's going to be pissed if he finds you using it to scope out cute guys."

 "First," Cecil said as he walked back to his platform. The second he stepped upon the circle lights moved around his body and formed into words and pictures. The largest hologram switched over to a live feed of the strange man standing in the science lab's lobby. "I have been given permission to access classified information if I feel the safety of the ship depends on it-"

"He's even your type, isn't he?"

 "And right now I need to observe him longer-"

 "Even has that little splash of grey that you like."

 Cecil pushed his glasses up enough to rub his eyes. "Are you done, Dana?"

 "I'm just saying that Danny's going to be pissed if he finds out you're scoping out guys on the clock. Speaking of which, you're on in five. Do you have today's productivity report ready?"

 The holograms flickered from white to lavender, covering Cecil in its glow. He adjusted his tie and flashed Dana a slightly forced smile. "As ready as it'll ever be. Oh, and Dana? Could you do me a favor?"

 "Anything you want, boss." She said as she returned to her chair. "On in three."

 "Close your eyes." The smile returned to Cecil's voice. "And let my voice wash over you..."

 ***

 Jane was going to murder her sisters. There was simply no way around it. They knew for a fact that she was the shyest of the triplets, so obviously this was a trap laid by them. She pressed her back against the metal wall and grabbed onto her lab coat's lapel. She pressed the small gold triangle pinned on her coat and hissed into it.

 "Ego to Id! Ego to Id!"

 There was a faint hiss of static between her ears.

 "This is Id." Said her sister's voice with a yawn. "What's up? Can't find the new guy? Super said he should be down in the waiting area."

 "He is! He's here! He's-" Jane peeked around the corner. The waiting room was as dusty and plain as always. Not that many people were interested in checking out the labs, after all. The only change since the last time she had come down there was the man standing by the large windows. He didn't seem to be able to hear her. Good.

 "Judy!" Jane hissed again. "You didn't mention that he was a hunk!"

 Static. "I'm coming down there."

 "What? No! Don't do that! Boss said we can't scare the new guy off, remember?"

 "Ugh. Fine! Could you at least describe him?"

 "Judy." Jane knew the stern tone in her voice would be lost to her sister. She poked her head back around the corner. The man was still staring out the largest window. "Um. He has...hair. Nice hair. Grey around the temples. Strong jaw. Dark skin. Handsome. Very handsome."

 Another pause of static. "Are you _sure_ he's the new guy?"

 "He is wearing a lab coat."

 "That's enough proof for me!" Jane could almost hear the grin in her sister's voice. "Look, just give him the tour and bring him down here. I'll go tell Super about the good news. Even though you just know she's going to be all 'blah blah don't judge by looks blah'. You know how she is."

 "Correct about everything?"

 "Yeah. I hate that. Id out." The static between Jane's ears faded, leaving her alone once more. After a quick patting down of her hair Jane stepped out into the dust covered waiting area. Once upon a time the room might have seemed some use. Now it was nothing but a collection of easily stained furniture and a handful of magazines that was older than she was. But even with those flaws it sure have one hell of a view of the planet below. Jane tried to make her footsteps as loud as she could to alert the man. He still didn't seem to notice her.

 Okay. She could do this. Just say something to break the ice.

 "You know," Jane said, her voice just a bit too high pitched. "They say that the first few generations of the colony went mad from staring at the planet too long. Some even stole transport ships just to kill themselves on the surface!"

  Every muscle in Jane's body clenched as she mentally slapped herself against the head. Maybe he didn't hear her. Maybe she could slink away before he noticed. Or maybe if she tried hard enough she'd be able to will herself dead. She took a deep breath, doing her best to force her heart to stop.

 "Shame, really."

 It took Jane a moment to realize the words had come from the man. That was not the voice she was expecting from him.

 "Oh. Oh yes! A deep shame." She said as she grabbed onto the conversation topic for dear life. "But thankfully there hasn't been anything like that recently. That we know of."

 "Oh?" The man finally looked away from the window and towards her.

 "Well! No one steals transport ships anymore! Though that might have to do with recent developments in portal technology you know what I'm just going to stop talking now hello I'm Jane!" She shoved her hand towards the man. "Jane Kaktos."

 The man stared down at her hand for a second too long. Jane was thrilled, honestly. She could deal with awkward. She's dealt with awkward for her entire life. This she could handle. He smiled and shook her hand a bit too hard.

 "Carlos."

 "Carlos...?"

 "The scientist." Carlos adjusted his coat with pride. He spoke with an air of certainty that most people only dreamed of.  "I am a scientist."

 "I...see." Jane nodded to herself. "What's your field of study?"

 Carlos' cheek twitched. His voice didn't sound so certain anymore. "...water?"

 "Great! We needed a Hydrologist on our team! The last one isn't with us anymore. Well, technically I guess he is still part of the lab but he drank too much of the water from the planet and sorta went a little crazy. Keeps saying that he can communicate with the spirits of the dead and now knows ancient magic spells and I'm talking too much again so how about I give you a tour?"

 "He drank the water?" Carlos said as he followed Jane out into the far less dusty hallway.

 "Um, yes. We didn't find out until after he went 'missing' with all of our samples. By the way, don't drink the water samples."

 "Understood. So, what part of the lab is this?"

 "The hallway?" Jane looked over at Carlos. He had stopped halfway down the hall in front of a raised circle on the floor. "Oh! Be careful! The Noon report should be starting any-'

  _ **Greetings, Vale Colony!** _

 Carlos jumped back as light poured out from the circle. Floating above the glowing platform was the life sized image of a man in a sharp cut suit. The scientist ran his fingers through the image as it spoke with an obvious forced smile on its lips.

  _ **The time is now 12:35 on this beautiful Monday afternoon! Hopefully everyone is almost done with their Strexcorp approved prepacked lunches!** _ _**Remember, Strexcorp approved prepackaged lunches are perfectly balanced for every individual worker's needs to keep them full and energetic throughout the day! Don't forget to take your Sunshine Brand vitamins! Sunshine Brand Vitamins are guaranteed to give you a full day's worth of sunshine in a single pill!** _ **_And remember,_ ** **_just because you have an alotted hour off for lunch doesn't mean it's mandatory!_ **

 The imaged flickered before cutting out completely. Carlos flexed his fingers over where the image was just seconds ago. He was transfixed on the empty air until Jane cleared her throat. 

 "Terrible, right?" She said to fill the odd silence. "We haven't had our projectors updated in like forever. I hear over in the corporate side of the colony their holograms of him look totally real! Like, you couldn't tell if there was a person standing next to you or not! The one in the lab is even worse. It's just this little table-sized thing. Not that our lab is bad! Or that we're lacking funding! Um. Any questions so far?"

 "Where's the bathroom?" Carlos said as he finally pulled his hand away.

 "Oh. Right down the hall to the left."

 Jane waited until Carlos had walked out of what she hoped was his hearing range before she clicked on her golden lapel triangle. There was another hiss of static, followed by her sister's voice.

 "What's up, Ego?"

 "Sorry, Id." Jane whispered quietly. "I'm pretty sure the new guy likes men."

 "What? How the hell did you find out so quick? Wait. Don't tell me you actually made a move!"

 "What? No! Of course not! It's just..." Jane glanced down at the raised circle on the floor. "You should have seen the look he was giving Cecil."


	13. Trees aren't a Science!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once upon a time Goddess-In-Green mentioned something about Dryad!Carlos. Then this happened!

The first hint that there was something special about Carlos came after Cecil's broadcast on the Whispering Forest. Cecil was on his way out of the studio when his cellphone buzzed. A quick glance down at the caller ID was enough to make his heart soar and sink at the same time. Carlos! Perfect, intelligent, and very clear during their coffee "date" that he wasn't looking to date anyone in Night Vale, Carlos! And Cecil was okay with that. He was perfectly fine with having a professional relationship with Carlos. But that didn't stop the twinge in his heart as he answered the phone.

 "Hel-"

 " _TREES!"_

 Cecil paused with his hand on the car door. That was not Carlos' normal greeting. "Carlos?"

 " _TREES!"_ Carlos repeated, his voice strained from screaming. "The trees aren't trees! These aren't trees! CECIL THESE ARE NOT TREE TREES!"

 Cecil got into his car and paused, waiting to see if he needed to drive across town recklessly to save Carlos. "Which trees?"

 "THE ONES-" Cecil could hear a car door open and close over the phone. Good! Carlos might be able to escape on his own. Still, better start up the car. "The ones that appeared this morning! I, I went to go take samples and everything was fine but then I tried to take some bark samples from one of the new trees and, and-"

 "It turned out to be a still living human being?"

 There was dead silence on the other side of the phone. Cecil took that moment to buckle his seat belt. Safety first, after all!

 "Cecil. How-?"

 "Oh, the trees of the whispering forest are humans lured in by its empty compliments and transformed by what I can only assume to be dark magic. But then again, what other type of magic is there?" He let out a short laugh to fill in Carlos' silence. "Didn't you hear that part of my show?"

 "N-No? I lost signal halfway through the woods. That...wow. That explains everything."

 "Really? Halfway?" Cecil adjusted his review mirror. "You made it that far? And you didn't turn into a tree? Well, I assume you didn't. I don't know if trees can use cell phones. That's amazing, Carlos! How did you managed to surivie?"

 There was another long pause from Carlos. "Science. Look I havetogonowbye."

 Carlos hung up, leaving Cecil with a dial tone and an odd twist in his stomach. He probably shouldn't have asked if Carlos listened to his show. Maybe that went over the line.

 ***

 The second hint popped up during their first date.

 A date! Their date! And it was perfect! Cecil could hardly believe his luck! Dinner went smoothly, even if Carlos did have a little bit of trouble eating the invisible carrot cake. They escaped through the broken window of the restaurant without Cecil's hand-made (and caught, and skinned) pants getting ripped. The evening had lead them down to the park, where they walked arm-in-arm as the townsfolk screamed around them.

 Not that they were screaming at them, per se. That would be rude. They were all simply doing their civic duty of screaming at the endless void above. Cecil suggested that they join in with the cries of madness, but Carlos had politely declined.

 "I've been meaning to research the trees in this park." Carlos said as he fiddled with the buttons on his casual lab coat. "I know it's not exactly date material, but uh, if you don't mind-"

 "Oh, _Carlos!_ " Cecil clapped his hands together. "I would be honored to assist  with your scientific research!"

 They found a nice out-of-the way tree and, just for a second, Cecil hoped that the whole 'science' bit was a cover for good old fashioned 'making out like teenagers'. But Carlos pulled a blinking 'science thing' out of his pocket and handed it to Cecil.

 "Here." Carlos smiled as his hands moved around Cecil's. "Keep an eye on this for me. If it starts beeping, let me know."

 "What does the beeping mean?"

 "That this is Not A Tree. But I'm pretty sure it is. Still. Keep a close eye on it!"

 "Roger!" Cecil said as he did not keep a close eye on it. Not even remotely. Instead he watched Carlos as the scientist approached the tree. What did tree science involve, anyway? Beakers? Flasks? Some other third science tool that Cecil couldn't think of? But instead Carlos reached out and touched the tree with his bare hands.The scientist quietly sang a melody in a language Cecil not understand. The tree shook. The leaves curled ever so slightly. Branches swayed towards Carlos, as if they were begging for his touch.

 Cecil knew exactly how that tree felt. An odd fancy flitted through his mind, and before he could stop himself he reached out and lightly brushed Carlos' cheek with the back of his hand. Another fancy appeared, this one more on the 'push Carlos against the tree' side of things. Cecil leaned forward just as the machine let out an ear piercing shriek. Both Carlos and Cecil jumped back from the noise.

 "Was...was that a beep?" Cecil said, staring down at the small machine in his hands.

 "No, that was more of a chirp. I think." Carlos sighed as he brushed his hands against his lab coat.

 "Which means-?"

 "Inconclusive."

 "Oh." Cecil returned the blinking box to Carlos. "Sorry to hear that."

 "It's no big deal." Carlos offered Cecil his arm. "Shall we?"

 And like that Cecil forgot all about the tree. Or trees in general. Everything that wasn't Carlos, really.

 ***

 

The third and final piece clicked in on their fifth date.

 The plan was for a nice homemade meal followed up with a movie. It turned out that Carlos had only seen the heavily edited version of Snow White and, well, it just wasn't the same without the evil queen's ritualistic disembowelment! So Cecil had shown up with a bottle of wine and his City Council Approved Disney Movie in hand. He had never been to Carlos' apartment before, but it looked pretty much what he imagined it to be. Science posters, random notes everywhere, and one of those plastic star-things that fold out into a sphere. What he didn't expect were all the plants. They covered every flat surface of the tiny apartment.

 "Carlos?" Cecil wandered over to the large living room window. In front of it was a table with a tiny potted tree resting on top. "I didn't know you were into bonsai!"

 "Oh? Oh." Carlos' voice floated in from the attached kitchen. "I guess? I've had that tree for ages."

 "It's adorable!" Cecil smiled as he leaned down to examine it closer. He wasn't sure what type of tree it was, but it was covered in tiny budding flowers. "Is it getting enough light?" He reached out and lightly brushed one of the tiny leaves with his finger, only to stop as a loud gasp came from the kitchen. "Carlos? You okay?"

 "Yes!" Carlos' voice cracked a little. "I'm fine! Just, just finishing up! Dinner will be done in a second!"

 "Oh, okay." Cecil turned back to the little tree. Huh. The flowers were starting to bloom. Were they like that a second ago? He leaned in closer, curious about the odd plant. He pressed his fingernail against the outside of one of the flowers, trying to tease it open. The little flower blossomed under his light touch. He started to ask Carlos a question, only to be cut off by a loud scream.

 "CECILAREYOUTOUCHINGMYTREE?"

 Cecil looked up. Carlos was in the kitchen's archway. His face was flushed, and his hands were trembling at his sides.

 "Carlos? What's-" Cecil's mouth formed an 'o'. He stood up straight and pointed from Carlos to the tree. "Dryad. You're a dryad, aren't you?.

 "Yeah." Carlos gulped, his eyes glued to Cecil. "Well. The scientific term is Plantae Sapien, but my grandmother always said dryad." He leaned against the archway and sighed. "Sorry, Cecil. I meant to tell you, but...it's kinda hard to explain to people that you're part magical plant. And then when I do then I start rambling and end up trying to explain the exact science behind it and then that's when my date gets bored and I'm doing it right now and the dinner is all over the floor and you probably hate me and-"

 "Carlos!" In a blink of an eye Cecil had moved over to Carlos and took his hand. "Carlos, it's okay. One, you're adorable when you ramble. Two, I want to hear all about dryad science. And three, well, we can just order out for dinner."

 "Oh. Wow. Really?" Carlos slipped an arm around Cecil. "We can do that. Probably should clean up the mess before the Faceless Old Woman sets it on fire, though."

 "In a bit. First..." Cecil grinned as he wrapped his arms around Carlos. "Was that a good scream from before, or a bad scream?"

 "Good." Carlos pressed his forehead against Cecil's. "Very good."

 Cecil leaned up just enough to kiss his boyfriend. Behind them the bonsai bloomed, completely forgotten.


	14. Richardo the Spy Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on freedomconvicted's DB!Carlos. I made it three chapters before hitting a brick wall.

Desert Bluffs. There's no place like it on Earth.  My line of work has brought me to almost every city on the map. New York. London. Delhi. Tokyo. And Baltimore. I don't want to talk about the Baltimore job. The important thing is that I've seen every type of city that the hands of mankind have built. I've been to the most outlandish parties, and I've crawled through the slums on my hands and knees. Every city was different. Every city was the same.

 This was the first city I've been to with pony petting stations.

 The name's Richardo. Some people call me a spy. Others a detective. A few just stick with 'bastard' followed by a long string of colorful curses. But I've always thought of myself as nothing more than a hired gun. A handyman for jobs that no one else wants. From the beginning I knew that this job was going to be different than my normal ones. Normally I'm not called in for corporate espionage, but the two men who hired me promised that Strexcorp was more dangerous than it looked.

 I have to admit that normally I don't equate danger with a lovely fruit basket on my desk. But maybe they had a point. Getting the job was easy, maybe a little too easy. Within an hour of the interview I was given an office, an apartment, my own assistant, and a dozen coupons for free frozen yogurt. Strexcorp loved me already. I know because I was told it several times during my interview. They would do anything for me, yet not a single person has even whispered what the company wanted in return. Hell, I wasn't a hundred percent sure what my job _was._

 I was sitting at my desk, enjoying a piece of cantaloupe shaped like a flower, when the door to my office opened. On the other side of the door was a man I'd never seen before. I had my gun in my hand before he even stepped inside. It never hurts to be cautious. Especially when I knew for a fact that I had locked the door. The man walked towards my desk, his eyes hidden by dark glasses. He was like no one else I had seen before in the city. Everyone smiled in Desert Bluffs. It was the same tired, strained smile that themepark workers wore after an eight hour shift.

 "Hello, friend! You must be our new General Production Supervisor!" 

 But this guy? His smile was warm. Genuine. He was honestly thrilled to be there. Like he was happy to see me. His strawberry blond hair nearly glowed in the morning light and, well, I'm getting off topic. The important thing is that there was a strange man in front of my brand new desk. He neatly adjusted his bowtie, completely unaware of the fact that I was pointing my gun straight at his heart.

 "My name is Kevin Free, and I hope you enjoy your time here at Strexcorp! That is, I know for a fact that you will enjoy your time here, but I'm sure you'll enjoy it more if you did it willingly. Say! Is that complimentary fruit basket?"

 The man, Kevin, continued to ignore my gun and instead dug his hand deep into the basket. For a moment I considered asking him what he was doing, but I wanted to, hmm. Listen to him talk more? Hear his voice? Find out what he knew? Yeah. Let's go with that one. I wanted to find out exactly what he knew, and he seemed more than willing to talk. I lowered my gun slightly but kept it trained on him.

 "Are you my assistant?" I said, watching the odd man dig through the cut fruit. Which I must admit was slightly disappointing. That cantaloupe was really good.

 "Hmm? Oh no! That's Brad! I'm here because Brad won't be able to assist you anymore."

 "Why?"

 Kevin pulled his hand out of the basket. Clear sweet liquid dripped down his wrist, tracing the dark lines carved into his flesh. Between his fingers was a piece of black plastic with a small blinking red light embedded in it. He smiled at me with a mouth full of teeth. Far more teeth than anyone should have.

 "Oh, I'm afraid he's come down with a bout of the grumpy gus! Which is to say-" He flexed his fingers, and the plastic device shattered. "That he's currently bleeding in a back alley with a knife in his throat. Not a hard worker, if you ask me! I'll make sure his family is docked for the cost of replacing my knife."

 "You...killed Brad?"

 "He was hired to kill you! Well. He was going to see if you were a threat, and then kill you if you were! And, as I can see..." Kevin reached over and lightly trailed his fingers down the barrel of my gun. He leaned in closer, and I could see that he wasn't wearing sunglasses after all. His large eyes were pitch black, save for a gold ring in one of them. "That you are a very dangerous man, Richardo."

 His smile wasn't nice anymore.

 In the back of my mind I knew that this is where I said something snappy. Maybe even charming. That was part of the job, after all. Knowing what to say and exactly when to say it. The right words could strike fear into the hearts of men. Or they could make someone follow you to the ends of the Earth. So I was a little disappointed in myself when all I could muster was an odd whimper. To be fair the whole fingers-on-my-gun thing was REALLY distracting.

 Kevin stepped away as his normal smile returned. "Anyway!" The sunshine in his voice was back as well. "I work down at the radio station! How about you stop by after work? I can give you a tour of the town, and give you a proper Desert Bluffs welcome! Around eight? Oh, and be sure to wear something nice! Though I have to say I really like those gold rings of your's. Make sure you wear those too." With that he walked out of my office, not even waiting for a response. Why would he? He knew that I was going to say yes.

 I slumped down in my seat, my arm tired from holding the gun up too long. A lesser man might have said that he fell in love instantly. But not me. I wasn't so foolish. But I was willing to admit that I was...interested.

 


	15. Richardo the Spy Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember when we all thought Vanessa was alive? Good times.

The Desert Bluffs Community Radio Station was different from the rest of the city. There was no piped in cheery muzak, no scent of perfume in the air, not even a single badly hidden security camera. The air here was old and stale, and the looming radio tower was covered in rust. The only hint that the building wasn't abandoned was a single bike next to the door. I'm pretty sure it was a door. I had never seen a door made out of stone before. Or covered in deeply carved runes. Or completely lacking any sort of handle.

 "Don't even think about it."

 I didn't realize anyone else was there until she spoke. The words of caution belonged to a teenage girl who was far more invested in her phone than anything around her. Her eyes remained glued to the tiny screen as her thumb did all of the hard work. There was something slightly off putting about her, but then again I felt that way about all teenagers. She nodded towards the door without looking up.

 "You don't want to touch the door while he's broadcasting. Most people just feel a deep echoing feeling of dread when they do, but we have lost a few interns that way. And I'm sure the boss doesn't want anything to happen to his dear Richardo." She didn't just say my name as she sang it. She put a few extra o's in there as well. And I'm pretty sure she dotted the eye with a heart.

 "And how do you know who I am?"

 "Oh, I think the whole town knows about you now. Richardo the strong jawed. Richardo the perfect haired. Richardo the new general production overseer of Strexcorp, who smells like citrus." The girl finally looked up from her phone long enough to smirk at me. "Unless Kevin was gushing about a different Richardo at lunch."

 My normal hated of teenagers was slightly delayed by the mental image about Kevin gushing like a giddy schoolgirl. The man that walked into my office was not someone I pictured as giddy. Maybe a calculated smile, followed with an knowing look. His fingers would playfully trail down my neck as okay I admit I might have gotten a bit distracted by my own imagination at that point. Not a very good habit for someone in my line of work, I know. I honestly didn't realize that the teenage girl was still talking until I heard my name.

 "-So afraid he was going to be all 'Richardo is sooo hot' on tonight's program! Cause he did that with the last guy he was interested in and, well, that guy doesn't technically exist anymore. Not that you heard that from me! But I'm sure you'll be fine. Not even Strexcorp likes to mess with the Voice of Desert Bluffs."

 "Excuse me?" I said, finally pulling out of odd haze.

 "Kevin. The Voice. Our Voice." She raised a pierced eyebrow. "I know you're an outsider, but you do listen to the radio, right?"

 I briefly thought back to the drive to Desert Bluffs, and how my radio had switch from classic rock to chainsaw overlapped with birdsong. At the time I had assumed there was something wrong with my car stereo. Thankfully the discussion was cut short by the sound of a pack of feral cats screeching in unison as the door to the radio station opened.

 And there he was.

 I had spent the drive to the station telling myself that he had caught me off guard. Or maybe my fruit basket was drugged. That there was some good reason to why this man left me completely speechless. But this time I was prepared. I wasn't going to let a radio host get the best of me. Certainly not one that wore a bowtie! This time, however, I was ready. I wasn't going to let him get the best of me.

 My plan worked right up to the second when Kevin smiled. That damn smile. As if he was honestly happy to see me. And he was, wasn't he?

 "Richardo!" He said, and unlike the teen there were no extra vowels or hearts. "Right on time! I like that." He turned to the girl. "Vanessa, could you be a dear and clean up for me? Richardo here hasn't gotten the official Desert Bluffs tour, and I'd hate to keep him waiting."

 "No prob, boss." She nudged Kevin in the side hard enough to make him flinch. "You boys have fun." With that the large ornate stone doors closed behind her as she walked into the building. No cat screams this time.

 "So!" Kevin clapped his hands together. "Did you check your car for bugs?"

 "I found four."

 "Ah, good! They never do more than four. After that you just get bit of a feedback problem." The golden ring set in his dark eyes flickered down to my hands. I could hear the small mummer of approval under his breath from the sight of my rings. Which was a bit...odd. But flattering. Not that I cared about that sort of thing. I'm getting off track again.

 I'm not sure what I was expecting from Kevin's 'tour'. Probably not an actual tour. But we drove around the city together as Kevin rambled off the brief history of Desert Bluffs. Every time I glanced over to the passenger seat the golden circle in his eye would flicker from the window over to me. I was on the verge of asking him about the eye-circle-thing when he started talking again.

 "And over there is the Golden Sands frozen yogurt shop! The women who own the shop were originally from Night Vale, but they've settled in just fine! Are you a hired gun, or a detective?"

 I smiled. This was a lot more interesting than yogurt shop history. "I'm a handyman. I do whatever needs to be done."

 "Ah! Wonderful! Do you have one of those code of honor things? Like you don't kill women or children?"

 "Yes and no." Another glance towards Kevin. Both of his dark eyes were staring out the window. "I'll do almost any job, but I stay away from killing women and children."

 "Because it's wrong?"

 "Because, well, if you start killing women and children then it becomes your 'thing', you know? No respectable customers will hire you after that. Next thing you know you stop getting invited to all of the good parties and no one's returning your calls."

 "So. You don't kill women and children because you want to go to good parties?"

 "Networking is very important in this line of business."

 Kevin was grinning. I could feel it.

 "So what do you want?" I said as I tried to focus on the road. "I'm assuming this is all because you want something from me. Let me just say right now I don't do that whole 'I'll pay you twice as much as the other guy' thing. That never ends well."

 "Oh no! I'd never dream of getting in the way of you and your client! But I was hoping there was something you could do for me."

 "I think I'm out of a radio host's price range."

 "Then do it as a favor. For a friend." Kevin sang that last word. Not in a mocking way, as Vanessa did. But it was light and sweet and full of promise. I kept my eyes on the road and my mouth shout as he pulled a business card out of his wallet.

 "A little bird told me that a certain someone has gained the attention of Strexcorp. And although Strexcorp is a wonderful business that I, like everyone else in the city, work for I would prefer if this certain someone remains alive." He handed the business card over to me. It was well worn, and speckled in dark brown stains.

 "What do you want me to do?"

 "Just...keep an eye out for this name while you're pretending to be a good supervisor. Maybe make sure any paperwork okaying his untimely death gets delayed. Try to keep him alive as long as you can. For me."

 I waited until I stopped at a red light before I risked glancing down at the name.

 "And who exactly is Cecil Palmer?"

 "An old friend of mine."


	16. Richardo the Spy Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What will happen next? I sure as hell don't know! Maybe one day I will.

This all started when I was approached by two men after a failed mission. Normally I don't do any corporate related business, but I was hurting for money and somewhere to hide from my pissed-off backers. The taller one of the pair told me that it was a nice, simple mission that should keep me out of harm's way for a good long time. All I had to do was get a job at Strexcorp and send them a copy of every report that passed my way. Not my normal line of work, but the shorter of the two wrote me a check large enough to make me not care about that sort of thing.

 By the time I hit my third week of business meetings I was beginning to regret my decision.

 "People, we need to synergize our business matrix!" Said the woman at the front of the table. Actually, I wasn't paying attention to a single thing she was saying, but it was probably something along those lines. I stopped listening to these meetings around the second day. "Business energy prerogative!"

 Sitting at the table around me were a gaggle of sharp dressed managers all wearing the exact same frozen smile on their lips. Every now and then I'd try to mimic it, but I could only last a few minutes before my jaw started to hurt. It was far easier just to flash a smile every time a higher up looked in my direction. I had settled in for another long, pointless meeting when I felt the phone in my pocket buzz. No one had this number.

 I carefully pulled my phone out of my pocket and glanced down at the screen. Somehow I already knew who texted me before I even read it.

  _Ricky! How's work? :) :) :)_

  **I don't know how you got this number, but never text it again.**

  _I'm thinking of getting a new tattoo but I can't decide where I should put it! Wanna help? ;)_

I glanced up at the the rest of the business meeting. Everyone was still focused on a slide show that was bullet lists of new ways to say the word 'happy'. Another buzz went off and I made the mistake of looking back down at my phone. The picture Kevin sent me was...interesting. He had undid his tie and unbuttoned his shirt just enough to expose his collar bone. His hand was clawing at his chest while his smile just barely fit into the picture frame. It was the smile of a man who knew exactly what he was doing.

 The meeting moved on to triangles and how awesome they are. Have I mentioned the triangle thing? Strexcorp really likes triangles. The phone buzzed and I risked a look down. Another photo. This one was of his lower back with his shirt pulled up just enough to expose his skin. I could make out the briefest hint of a dark amber mark around the hemline of his pants. A previous tattoo, perhaps? This was going to require further investigation. 

 "And what do you think, Mr. Araya?"

 The sound of half-dozen chairs turning to face me brought me violently back to the present. The woman at the end of the table's fake smile only grew. I could feel my stomach sink as a an old creeping dread moved up my spine. Sure, I could kill without a word. Sure, I could seduce with a smile and break hearts with a frown. I was a handyman with a talent for any job that needed to be filled. That didn't mean I enjoyed speaking in front of a group.

 The phone buzzed a third time. I was going to see that picture or die trying.

 "I think we should combine our matrices and focus our production output in order for maximum synergy." 

 Silence.

 I smiled at them.

 The room broke out in mummered agreement as they returned to the slides. With that obstacle out of the way I returned to the far more important business of Kevin's third photo. His belt was unbuckled and his pants pulled down just enough to expose his hip bones. I could see the dark amber marks from before and, yes, was able to clarify that they were part of a braided tattoo that wrapped around his waist. But now I could see the edge of more golden tattoos on his stomach, and even a band on his wrist.

  **Yes, that one.**

I bit my lip and waited for the response. I'm almost certain the slideshow began to repeat at that point. After a near eternity my phone buzzed once more.

  _Look closer._

 That was not the response I was expecting. Actually I was kind of hoping for more photos. I scrolled back up through the three pictures, trying to find what Kevin was hinting at. All I could see was his skin, those partially hidden tattoos...

 An old fashioned watch on his wrist that was roughly an hour off into the future...

 His hips posed in front of one the yogurt places he pointed out the other day...

 Part of me wondered if he could have just texted me like a normal person. Another part of me wondered if his phone was just as bugged as everything else in this town. I stood up, causing the woman in the front's words to die on her lips.

 "Excuse me." I said with another charming smile. "I have to go strategist my prerogatives."

 "A go getter!" She said, her eyes wide. "I like that."


	17. The Test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The first WTNV fanfic I ever wrote. The first fanfic I had wrote in about ten years. And it is TERRIBLE.

Carlos was never good at reading people.

 Sure, there were a few people he could read no problem. He always could tell what his mother and sister felt, for one. But to him the rest of the world and their emotions was a complete mystery. Was his coworker being friendly, or was he being sarcastic? Did the girl working at the Starbucks flirt with him, or was it just a pained smile forced for the morning rush? It was this constant confusion that caused him to withdraw deep into his work at the lab. Though now that he found himself sitting across from his boss, Carlos wished that he could read people a bit better.

 "Good morning, Carlos." His boss smiled. It was the same smile that was on the girl at Starbucks. "As you know, today marks the end of your probation period. As of tomorrow you'll be receiving full benefits, paid time off, and a 401k matched at nine percent. Your work has always been outstanding, and I look forward to you working here for many years to come. Now, do you have any questions?"

 "Well, yes." Carlos glanced over his shoulder. "Who are...they?" He didn't mean the last word to trickle out so oddly, but there was no other way to describe the two figures behind him. One was a man who looked up 'secret government agent' in the dictionary and decided he really wanted his picture next to it. Black suit, dark sunglasses, and even that corkscrew wire hanging down from his ear, even though Carlos was pretty sure that wasn't needed in the age of blue-tooth. The second figure, however, was far more interesting. Mostly because it was a twelve foot tall hooded figure that somehow managed to be cloaked in shadows despite the florescent lights above.

 "Them?" His boss let out a high, unnatural laugh. "Oh them! Don't worry about them. Now, I just need you to sign this paperwork for your employment, Carlos, and you'll be-"

 "Dr. Armand."

 The man in black spoke. His words cut through the boss's, shredding the very sounds out of the air. He took a step forward, and Carlos swore the ground shook a little as he walked. Carlos turned in his chair enough to meet the man's dark sunglasses. Nothing. The man in front of him was a blank slate, devoid of even the slightest hint of emotion.

 "Dr. Armand," The man in black began again. "My associates and I wish to offer you a, how to say, counter offer?" He smiled as well, showing off too many teeth. "The current head of our town's laboratory has stepped down, and we think you would be perfect to take his place."

 Carlos' eyes flickered to the hooded figure. Thankfully, it seemed to be far more interested in his boss. "Could I have some details?"

 "Of course!" The grin got wider. Far too many teeth. "Your salary will be tripled whatever your boss," He nodded at Carlos' boss, who was now sweating. "pays you. All medical, insurance, lodging, food, and gas will be paid for. This includes travel expenses since you would have to move for the position."

 "And the catch?" Carlos said after a rather long pause.

 "You will most likely die before the end of your first year."

  Carlos nodded. It seemed impolite not to. "And what if I say no?"

 "Why, my dear Dr. Armand." The man let out a practiced laugh. "It never even occurred to us that you would."

 Carlos looked back at his boss. Tears were streaming down his boss's face as the hooded figure moved silently across the office towards the desk. Carlos wondered if his boss could even hear this conversation. Or if he could hear anything at all.

 "You know what?" Molars. The man didn't have any molars. Just one sharp tooth after the other. "Before you make up your mind, how about you come see the frog?"

 "The frog?"

 "Just a little experiment my superiors whipped up."

 Carlos glanced at his boss. The older man was openly sobbing, softly crying the name of a woman that Carlos was certain wasn't the boss's wife.

 He nodded, because it was the polite thing to do.

 ***

 Normally the main lab was a hub of activity and what could best be described as controlled chaos. The scientists were gone. The experiments were gone. Even the few extra glass beakers and the old clock was gone. On Carlos' station was a single tray containing a handful of pins, a scalpel, and a dead frog. His World's Best Scientist mug, he noted, was missing as well.

 The man in black had followed Carlos while the hooded figure stayed behind with the shattered remains of his boss. He waved at the tray, as if waiting for Carlos to make the first move. 'Go ahead', his expression seemed to say. 'Science away'. With a practiced hand Carlos picked up up the scalpel and cut into the dead frog's stomach.

 The sent of formaldehyde brought back a wave of memories. He could see himself back in High School, the only student in his class actually interested in the dissection. Everyone else was either getting sick, or laughing at the people who were getting sick. There was that one guy who made a necklace out of his frog's organs. That was...kinda weird, now that Carlos thought about it. His hands worked skillfully as his mind wandered down memory lane, taking care to remove and pin every organ to the Styrofoam mat.

 Right until he reached what should have been the intestines.

 He could feel the eyes of the man in black on him as he carefully cut around the spongy, pink mass inside the frog. Carefully he picked the growth out, and unrolled it out on the mat. He stared down at what he could only assume was a human tongue. Carlos pinned it onto the mat, carefully noting how fresh it still looked, as if it had been cut out of a mouth just moments before.

 "Well, Dr. Armand?" The man in black said. "What do you think?"

 Carlos poked the tongue with the edge of his scalpel. "The specimen is a perfectly normal adult bull frog with a human tongue for a digestive system."

  " _And_?" He could hear the italics in the man's voice.

  "Where did you find it?"

 "In a desert town about a week's drive from here. One that just happens to be looking for a new lab head.

 The tongue wiggled against the pins, struggling against its bondage.

 "I can leave tomorrow." Carlos said as he stuck an extra pin into the detached muscle.


	18. Nightcraft? Mine Vale? Whatever, the last update didn't fix boats anyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love Minecraft! I love Night Vale! And so does randomdraggon!

Which wasn’t too shocking, really. He had spent the first night huddled in a cave, wondering if the lurching figures would find him. Thankfully he had made it to dawn alive but hungry. The second day was spent arming himself with basic tools and finding a food supply. Apples and raw beef wasn’t exactly a healthy meal, but it was better than risking the rotting flesh that littered the ground.

On the third night he saw it. Carlos had risked going outside just to see if the sun had come up yet. Sadly, his calculations must have been off since it was still dark outside. And as much as he hated his two-by-two cave at least it did have a single torch. He turned to head back to his hiding spot when he saw something glow out of the corner of his eye. Something purple.

Carlos looked again. There was nothing but shadows and a single pig stuck in a tree. Must have been his imagination. There was nothing in this voxel-based world that glowed purple. He was sure of it. He returned to his cave and tried to forget it. Probably just a glitch from the latest update.

Later that day he discovered an odd collection of blocks next to his cave. It was a roomy four-by-four square made from seemingly random blocks. A few cobblestones, a cacti, and a weird pale yellow one he had never seen before. Carlos knew for a fact that the structure wasn’t there yesterday.

If he didn’t know any better he could have sworn someone tried to build him a house.


End file.
